My Heart's Afraid

"Please now be happy too, so I can forget you.

There'll be some other guy, I really don't need to...

Spend all these sleepless nights, just wishing you were by my side...

Oh no...And for the longest time,

These illusions, dreaming about the day you'll be mine.

We're still walking side by side,

Now we're drifting, can't you see that this isn't right?"

- TaeYang

I just want to let this all out of my deep heart before I had to let him go. People had told me to get over him and he is not the right guy for me. I can honestly say that he is not the one for me and I know that we're not compatible for each other. I really thought he was and I dreamt about how far we're going to be together, but I know that's not gonna happen, ever. The fact that he is my first boyfriend, he really changed me and helped me grow. Sure, I made mistakes and hurt him, in which I did not mean to, but I grew from my mistakes and learned from them. People may think that it is silly to say this, but he is one special guy I really like. One in a million. No matter how much he hurt me, I cannot seem to forget about him or get over him. He is not a jerk, douche bag or an asshole, but he is sure clueless about things...I'm not saying that he is dumb. Even though we both agreed that we're not compatible for each other and just stay as good friends, he still hurt me even more especially when he doesn't know about it.

I know, I know, I know...I need to get over him, but give me a break! You don't know how much he means to me. Every moment we spend together with our group of friends and I am acting like a good friend to him, deep down I hoped for more from him, but like I said, it is never gonna happen. Why do I still care about him? Why do I still stayed and kept up with him? Why am I getting myself hurt or pushed away? I thought about ways to get over him...One) No "video games." Two) Not be friends with him or...Three) For him to be mean to me. There might be more options, but for now, those are the top three. If you're wondering about the "video games" phrase, I'm just gonna say, it is not what you think and I can't really say since it's only between me and him. Anyway, option number one...I enjoy playing "video games" with him, but it is going to be really hard for me to get over him if I kept it up. Option number two...I want to be friends with him, no doubt about it, but it is for the best and it is hard since we both have the same friends in our group. Option number three...Things would have been so much easier for me to get over him if he was really mean to me or for him to piss me off. I would forget about him if that happened...

I always told myself, "I'm finally over him..." but when my feelings came back, I had to start over again, so it is on and off for me. I don't regret that he is my first, but I don't know how I am going to react or feel if he had a new girlfriend. As a friend, I would be really happy for him, but it is going to take me awhile for me to get use to, if he had a girlfriend. That is my fear. To this day, I am looking for someone new, but I am not in a rush. I am planning to live life and wait for that special guy to come to me. We'll see how that goes. To end this short...DAMN, it's so hard to not think about him...

"I just want you to know...My heart's afraid you'll change and turn into someone else. I'm afraid your heart will vanish from my life. I'm afraid there could be someone else who will come and take my place. I'm afraid this long distance will cause our love to change from before." - AM Fine