My Heart...

Tuesday July 7, 2009: (7:52 PM)

"I see right now where it's heading down. The same road I've seen before, but no one told me that it would hurt this way and my life wouldn't be the same. That's why I got to get my heart back to...the way it used to be..."
- Keyshia Cole

This summer has been opening my eyes to new opportunities and realizing who I am becoming. Even though my goal was to apply on a decent job over the summer and save up money for fall quarter, I have realized how hard it was when I don't have my driver's license yet or my own car. At this moment, I want to focus on driving and earn my driver's license over the summer before fall quarter hits this September. I don't know how I am going to pay for my tuition for fall quarter, but I really hope my parents are willing to support me and help me pay it off. My summer so far has been relaxing, overwhelming and fun! I know there are those days when I stay at home and all I do for the rest of the day is sit in front of my laptop and watch some Animes on the Internet. I call those my lazy days. I always have this goal in my head to motivate myself to dress up in my sports clothes and get out of the house for a morning run, but it seems like I'm too lazy to even get up in the morning on these summer days. I have been waking up around noon, every single day and I'm always waiting for someone to call me up to hang out.

I'm surprised that my older sister and brother-in-law have been inviting me to their hang outs lately and I am glad that I had this opportunity to spend time with them. Every time the weekend comes around, I'm going out with my older sister and brother-in-law for a barbeque party or a movie or hiking or hanging out at their condo home. The funny thing is my brother-in-law let me start drinking so I would learn what I should expect and what my limit is in drinking alcohol. For the first time, I drank two in a half bottles of beer and I got boozed pretty bad, but I'm glad that my brother-in-law was there to help me out and take care of me. When I was cooling down outside in the backyard at my brother-in-law's cousin's house, I had a long serious talk with my brother-in-law that night and we talk about our situations and shared stories to each other. I'm glad that I asked for some advice about my situation right now and about my ex-boyfriend. For some odd reason, I couldn't resist to get him out of my mind and I still have feelings for him even though he had some other girl in his mind when he is in Thailand. My brother-in-law told me that I could do better and move on, but it's so hard at this moment.

I thought I could move on from him, but somehow, I couldn't bare the fact that I do care for him and feel guilty for all the hardships I gave him. The fact that I hurt his feelings made me realize how bad of a girlfriend I was to even forget about him and have a interest in someone else. That taught me a lot about my actions and how I'm not going to do the same mistakes again. Now that I think about it, I even hurt my best friend's feelings, too. When my best friend told me that I'm acting different and not treating her the same way before, it made me realize how much I changed and how my actions really affect the people whom I really care about especially my best friend.

I've gone through a difficult road and all these situations made me open my eyes of who I am becoming. I don't know if changing myself is for the better or for the worst, but either way, I did really change and you know what? I don't regret it. It's better to go through the bad situations in order to enjoy the good moments in life. Whether you like or not, I'm developing more about myself and realizing who I am becoming even though I don't really know what I am becoming. Like my brother-in-law said to me, I'll find out at the end of the road of my long journey meaning by the end of my summer.

To my ex-boyfriend: This whole summer so far, I have been thinking about you every single day every since you left for Thailand. It's really hard to get over you even though it is best when I don't see you for the whole summer. I do know that you're over me and moving on from me, but I'm always afraid that you'll forget about me and afraid of losing you as a friend because I am labeled as your ex-girlfriend. Every day, I would wake up early in the morning just so I can sign-in on MSN messenger and wait for you to log on, so I can chat with you to see what you've been up to and hear any news from you. That's why I always ask if I am bothering you because I will always and forever be labeled as your ex-girlfriend and I really don't want to be a bother to anyone. I have been dwelling on the past and about our moments we have spent together, but I guess you're sick and tired of me rambling about you in my blog, huh? I bet you're thinking, "What the fuck? Just get over me already..." Just to let you know, as a good friend, I care about and I still like you and I'm willing to be there for you if you needed help. That's all I want to do for you as a good friend and nothing more. Losing you as my good friend would be the last thing on my mind and I would not allow that to happen. If you don't like this at all, always tell me to my face and I'll leave you alone. Anything you want is what I'm willing to accept even though it will hurt me in the end. Don't get me wrong. If you ever want to play "video games," I am always up for that, just for the fun of it when I do get pretty itchy haha. I always wonder, also, if you still kept my note I gave you and wondering if you still want my copy of my book that I dedicated to you. Hmmm...I also wonder if you're going to change, too, once you come back. I wonder...

"We've come to an ending somehow. I don't know what to do, but I don't wanna forget now. I love you baby, I still love you....My heart is gonna wait forever. I'm still holding on to all of our moments together. I love you baby, I still love you..."
- Rain