For You

These are song lyrics that reminded me about you...

"Can't believe I had a girl like you
and I just let you walk right outta my life.
After all I put you through,
you still stuck around and stayed by my side.
What really hurt me is I broke you heart, baby
you were a good girl and I had no right.
I really wanna make things right
'cause without you in my life, girl...I'm so lonely..."
- Mr. Lonely by Akon

"And it's still so hard to be who you are,
but you've come this far with a broken heart.
And it's still so hard to be who you are,
but you've come this far and you're broken.
Let me light up the sky..."
- Light Up The Sky by Yellowcard

"In my arms, you'll be fine, I'll never let go.
All you've lost will come again, just stay with me.
Never look back, never again, it's over.
Everything ends here in my arms..."
- In My Arms by Dead By April

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AQknSzA1AU

You really make me a fool.
I miss you.

Spring Break!

"Yum...Yum..." - Walt Kowalski from Gran Torino

FUCK...I'm so exhausted, but I finally finished all my final exams this week and I am officially on Spring Break! I took Precalculus I and Wellness For Life this Winter Quarter and it did not stress me out that much except...on finals week. Wellness For Life is a easy online class and I passed that class with a B. Precalculus I is a different story. I did not like how my instructor taught the class and basically, I did not learn anything from that class! I had to teach myself how to do everything in that class. My final exam on my Precalculus I test kicked my ass and I know that I failed the final exam, but I am not giving up hope because I am re-taking that class again next quarter in the spring. Bad idea...I know.

I'm relieved and relaxed though! I'm planning to sleep in every night because I need to catch up on my sleep since I only had four hours of sleep, everyday. As for my plans on Spring Break, it depends if my close friends want to hang out and do something. Also, I'll be gone on Thursday, March 25 through Saturday, March 27 because I'm going to the Generation Conference! I don't know what to expect, but I'm way stoked! Oh and since Winter Quarter is finally over, I desperately need a haircut! My hair is really long and I hate how I need to fix my hair everyday. I'm ready for a short haircut and probably, peek-a-boo highlights...maybe. Still debating, but I'm ready for a new look on my hair for a change :) Can't wait!

"Fuckin'-What the fuckin'. Fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fucking...How did you two fucking fucks...FUCK!" - Rocco from Boondock Saints

Looking Forward...

"I can't hold back any longer. From today, I won't give you any. From now on, I will never give you my feelings. From now on, I will never-ever give it to you. From now on...From now on...I will never cry, it won't happen twice...I don't wanna cry, now we have to let it go..." - 4Minute

Long time, no blogging! This is not gonna be one of those entries where I am going to write about my deep feelings or about my special someone. I am tired of looking back and wondering how I can make everything back to normal. If I keep looking back in the past, I am never gonna move forward with my life and I will be stuck in the past. I am sick and tired of getting myself hurt and holding onto things that doesn't last forever. I will always remember the great moments I had with those special people whom I have bonded with for the past year and knowing that they are placed inside my heart. When I mean "special people..." I mean, my close friends. I wish I could name all of them in my blog, but I personally don't like writing names down in my personal blog. You know who you are and if you're reading this by any chance, I am so thankful I have met you. Now that I have realized that everything is changing so fast, I am going to let go and move forward...

What have I been up to lately? Stuff...and I mean, lots of stuff. I am currently on my second year of community college and still working as the Student Media Manager of Student Organizations. I really need another job because I don't earn that much money or enough hours. I really love my job, no doubt about it! And it's really going to help me succeed as a graphic designer in the future, but I seriously need more money! What else? I am planning to graduate from community college in the year of 2011 or 2012. I am not really positive, but I am a little bit behind on my credits right now. When I do graduate, I am planning to move out and move to Seattle since University of Washington is located there. Then, move back to Oak Harbor after graduating from UW and go from there. I guess, I have been planning out my future goals at the moment, but I just hope everything goes the way I planned it. LOL...maybe not. I know there's going to be some bumpy or cracks in the roads, but I am strong enough to handle it.

Guess what my current obsession is right now? Still Arashi...Nope. Anime...Not even close. Well, lately it has been K-pop music! A few good friends of mine really got me hooked on K-pop music when I was currently hooked on rock bands before. I really hate comparing...I really do, but comparing to Arashi, I could understand why Big Bang, Super Junior and 2PM are way better looking than Arashi and the fact that their music is more upbeat and they can dance. I have discovered amazing K-pop groups such as Big Bang, Super Junior, 2PM, 2NE1, 4Minute, Wonder Girls, Brown Eyed Girls, Girl's Generation, and many more. They are all good looking, both guys and girls, and great dancers, I gotta say! Starting the month of January, I have been listening to K-pop music, every moment of every day. I love discovering new genre of music!

"I don't care, I'll stop caring about what you're doing, wherever you are. From now on, I really don't care. I'll get out of the way. From now on, don't come to me and cry, and cling on 'cause I don't care..." - 2NE1

My Heart's Afraid

"Please now be happy too, so I can forget you.

There'll be some other guy, I really don't need to...

Spend all these sleepless nights, just wishing you were by my side...

Oh no...And for the longest time,

These illusions, dreaming about the day you'll be mine.

We're still walking side by side,

Now we're drifting, can't you see that this isn't right?"

- TaeYang

I just want to let this all out of my deep heart before I had to let him go. People had told me to get over him and he is not the right guy for me. I can honestly say that he is not the one for me and I know that we're not compatible for each other. I really thought he was and I dreamt about how far we're going to be together, but I know that's not gonna happen, ever. The fact that he is my first boyfriend, he really changed me and helped me grow. Sure, I made mistakes and hurt him, in which I did not mean to, but I grew from my mistakes and learned from them. People may think that it is silly to say this, but he is one special guy I really like. One in a million. No matter how much he hurt me, I cannot seem to forget about him or get over him. He is not a jerk, douche bag or an asshole, but he is sure clueless about things...I'm not saying that he is dumb. Even though we both agreed that we're not compatible for each other and just stay as good friends, he still hurt me even more especially when he doesn't know about it.

I know, I know, I know...I need to get over him, but give me a break! You don't know how much he means to me. Every moment we spend together with our group of friends and I am acting like a good friend to him, deep down I hoped for more from him, but like I said, it is never gonna happen. Why do I still care about him? Why do I still stayed and kept up with him? Why am I getting myself hurt or pushed away? I thought about ways to get over him...One) No "video games." Two) Not be friends with him or...Three) For him to be mean to me. There might be more options, but for now, those are the top three. If you're wondering about the "video games" phrase, I'm just gonna say, it is not what you think and I can't really say since it's only between me and him. Anyway, option number one...I enjoy playing "video games" with him, but it is going to be really hard for me to get over him if I kept it up. Option number two...I want to be friends with him, no doubt about it, but it is for the best and it is hard since we both have the same friends in our group. Option number three...Things would have been so much easier for me to get over him if he was really mean to me or for him to piss me off. I would forget about him if that happened...

I always told myself, "I'm finally over him..." but when my feelings came back, I had to start over again, so it is on and off for me. I don't regret that he is my first, but I don't know how I am going to react or feel if he had a new girlfriend. As a friend, I would be really happy for him, but it is going to take me awhile for me to get use to, if he had a girlfriend. That is my fear. To this day, I am looking for someone new, but I am not in a rush. I am planning to live life and wait for that special guy to come to me. We'll see how that goes. To end this short...DAMN, it's so hard to not think about him...

"I just want you to know...My heart's afraid you'll change and turn into someone else. I'm afraid your heart will vanish from my life. I'm afraid there could be someone else who will come and take my place. I'm afraid this long distance will cause our love to change from before." - AM Fine

My Heart...

Tuesday July 7, 2009: (7:52 PM)

"I see right now where it's heading down. The same road I've seen before, but no one told me that it would hurt this way and my life wouldn't be the same. That's why I got to get my heart back to...the way it used to be..."
- Keyshia Cole

This summer has been opening my eyes to new opportunities and realizing who I am becoming. Even though my goal was to apply on a decent job over the summer and save up money for fall quarter, I have realized how hard it was when I don't have my driver's license yet or my own car. At this moment, I want to focus on driving and earn my driver's license over the summer before fall quarter hits this September. I don't know how I am going to pay for my tuition for fall quarter, but I really hope my parents are willing to support me and help me pay it off. My summer so far has been relaxing, overwhelming and fun! I know there are those days when I stay at home and all I do for the rest of the day is sit in front of my laptop and watch some Animes on the Internet. I call those my lazy days. I always have this goal in my head to motivate myself to dress up in my sports clothes and get out of the house for a morning run, but it seems like I'm too lazy to even get up in the morning on these summer days. I have been waking up around noon, every single day and I'm always waiting for someone to call me up to hang out.

I'm surprised that my older sister and brother-in-law have been inviting me to their hang outs lately and I am glad that I had this opportunity to spend time with them. Every time the weekend comes around, I'm going out with my older sister and brother-in-law for a barbeque party or a movie or hiking or hanging out at their condo home. The funny thing is my brother-in-law let me start drinking so I would learn what I should expect and what my limit is in drinking alcohol. For the first time, I drank two in a half bottles of beer and I got boozed pretty bad, but I'm glad that my brother-in-law was there to help me out and take care of me. When I was cooling down outside in the backyard at my brother-in-law's cousin's house, I had a long serious talk with my brother-in-law that night and we talk about our situations and shared stories to each other. I'm glad that I asked for some advice about my situation right now and about my ex-boyfriend. For some odd reason, I couldn't resist to get him out of my mind and I still have feelings for him even though he had some other girl in his mind when he is in Thailand. My brother-in-law told me that I could do better and move on, but it's so hard at this moment.

I thought I could move on from him, but somehow, I couldn't bare the fact that I do care for him and feel guilty for all the hardships I gave him. The fact that I hurt his feelings made me realize how bad of a girlfriend I was to even forget about him and have a interest in someone else. That taught me a lot about my actions and how I'm not going to do the same mistakes again. Now that I think about it, I even hurt my best friend's feelings, too. When my best friend told me that I'm acting different and not treating her the same way before, it made me realize how much I changed and how my actions really affect the people whom I really care about especially my best friend.

I've gone through a difficult road and all these situations made me open my eyes of who I am becoming. I don't know if changing myself is for the better or for the worst, but either way, I did really change and you know what? I don't regret it. It's better to go through the bad situations in order to enjoy the good moments in life. Whether you like or not, I'm developing more about myself and realizing who I am becoming even though I don't really know what I am becoming. Like my brother-in-law said to me, I'll find out at the end of the road of my long journey meaning by the end of my summer.

To my ex-boyfriend: This whole summer so far, I have been thinking about you every single day every since you left for Thailand. It's really hard to get over you even though it is best when I don't see you for the whole summer. I do know that you're over me and moving on from me, but I'm always afraid that you'll forget about me and afraid of losing you as a friend because I am labeled as your ex-girlfriend. Every day, I would wake up early in the morning just so I can sign-in on MSN messenger and wait for you to log on, so I can chat with you to see what you've been up to and hear any news from you. That's why I always ask if I am bothering you because I will always and forever be labeled as your ex-girlfriend and I really don't want to be a bother to anyone. I have been dwelling on the past and about our moments we have spent together, but I guess you're sick and tired of me rambling about you in my blog, huh? I bet you're thinking, "What the fuck? Just get over me already..." Just to let you know, as a good friend, I care about and I still like you and I'm willing to be there for you if you needed help. That's all I want to do for you as a good friend and nothing more. Losing you as my good friend would be the last thing on my mind and I would not allow that to happen. If you don't like this at all, always tell me to my face and I'll leave you alone. Anything you want is what I'm willing to accept even though it will hurt me in the end. Don't get me wrong. If you ever want to play "video games," I am always up for that, just for the fun of it when I do get pretty itchy haha. I always wonder, also, if you still kept my note I gave you and wondering if you still want my copy of my book that I dedicated to you. Hmmm...I also wonder if you're going to change, too, once you come back. I wonder...

"We've come to an ending somehow. I don't know what to do, but I don't wanna forget now. I love you baby, I still love you....My heart is gonna wait forever. I'm still holding on to all of our moments together. I love you baby, I still love you..."
- Rain

Random...

"Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies...Across this new divide."
- Linkin Park

When I arrived home around 2:15 AM and checked my voice messages, I recieved the most random voice message I ever got in my life. Whoever send me this said that I won three tickets to a Linkin Park concert in Auburn, WA! And to think that this voice message was from a random guy from 92.5 FM. My mouth dropped because I couldn't believe it, but at the same time, I was like, "Yeah, right! You got to be kidding me!" I think it's like a random spam, but they did say my full name on the voice message. I don't know if it's the real deal because if it was, I'll be like squealing like crazy and jumping up and down for joy! If not, I just move on in my life...

Back to reality...Today I watched the second movie of Transformers for the second time this week. The first time I watched it, all I could think about is that Transformers 2 is almost three hours long and the fact that I was very sleepy and slept during the middle of the movie. Transformers 2 was held at the Blue Fox Drive-In around midnight on the day the movie was premiered. I come to think of it, I really don't like watching movies in a drive-in anymore. Once midnight hits, I pass out and take a nap lol. Anyway, I wanted to watch Transformers 2 the second time because I was not satisfied if the movie was amazing or not, so I went to watch the movie again with my best friend and her family today. We drove to the Cascade Mall and watched it at the AMC Theater around 10:30 PM. The previews were awesome! I really can't wait until Harry Potter: The Half-Blood Prince and The Last Airbender movie comes out in theaters soon. I'm pretty hyped up about it. Anyway, the second time around, I really think Transformers 2 was an amazing movie. It was so action packed and my most favorite part of the movie was the song, "New Divide" from Linkin Park. Bumblebee and Opitmus Prime became my most favorite Autobots in the movie! Now, my next movie I really want to watch is The Proposal, Up and the Hangover.

"You never know what you've got until it's gone..."
- Unknown

Truth Comes Out...

Tuesday June 16, 2009: (3:31 AM)

"Whenever he told me the honest truth about myself and the past, I get emotional sometimes and I wasn't strong enough to say what I think about it...That's why I never ask."
- Tristine

I know I haven't been updating my blog lately, but I have been involved in a journey with many obstacles and struggles to go through and overall, this ended up becoming a long story that has to be told. Just a few minutes ago, I was talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone. Whenever we don't hang out or see each other that day, we always talk on the phone to check up on each other of how our day went. He told me that he and his friend had a few drinks (not really) and ended up being drunk. So, the fact that my ex-boyfriend called me up that night made me realized how honest he was on the phone. I had something on my chest that I wanted to talk to him about, but I couldn't have the guts to talk to him about it.

I'm a very curious person, so obviously, I had questions that I wanted him to answer. My first question was, did he used me only for sex? He answered the question in the most honest way and the fact that he is drunk, I knew everything that he said was true. He said that he never really use me for sex. He only wanted to do it because he wanted to plus I wanted to and for the fun of it. Then, he said he only wanted to have sex with me if I wanted to do it. So, I'm glad that he never used me. He also told me to never let anyone use me for anything especially jerks out there that only wanted what they want and try to trick me into something that I don't want to do.

My other question was, we have feelings for each other, but what is holding us back from being in a relationship? I already knew the answer, but when I had that serious talk with my best friend and I confessed about my deep secrets, she was confused about our friendship and why we are hanging out so much with each other especially when we are not even dating. His answer was, what he want and what I want is not working out and at that point, we knew that both of us are not compatible with each other. We weren't meant to be and we both knew that if we keep our relationship any further, we'll be hiding the situation and wouldn't even bother to fix that problem. But when we do have the chance to fix the problem, the situation ends up growing into a huge problem and a mess.

He was an amazing boyfriend I ever had and I would not regret of what we have, but I wish he would understand about how busy I am and how I'm trying to balance everything that means to me in my life and help me and support me to go through my situations. He obviously did not want to deal with it and wanted someone more that would think about him every moment and everyday. He told me that smalls things means more than anything and makes a huge difference in a relationship. But the fact that my care for him was not enough, I was not the girl he was looking for. he told me that there is always somebody out there that could fill up those small things and makes things better. He told me, "I hope you find a better guy than me..." At that moment, I wanted to say, "I could never find somebody that would level up my expectations about you. Even though those small things he had is not what I want, everything else about him really made it up on my high standards." I don't know if the reason is that I'm not over it yet or I wouldn't accept the truth. Some say I should get over him and find someone better. Others say that he should support me. People ask me, what do you want? At this moment, I don't want anybody else, but him...

"Find yourself. Be yourself. Live yourself."
- My ex-boyfriend